Not Just Any Man--The Man!

Today,

I hypothesize,

~

        As per usual I just watched a movie. This time it was the Nanny Diaries. A very good movie...light-hearted and a tear-jerker, a different moments of course. But those aren't the moments that stuck with me when the credits started rolling. What stuck was...a man. Or more of the idea of a man.Or more of the idea of a man. The man. The one I'm going to marry. The one that I'll spend the rest of my days growing old with and grey with and wrinkly with and pudgy with. Yet he'll keep on loving me.
        There's always going to be a part of me that yearns for that special someone to come and love me 'til death. Right now I want a man that will love me. Respect me. Cherish me. Pursue me, even when I don't want to be pursued...yet still respect my space. Dance with me. Sing with me. Embarass me (good-naturedly). Communicate with me, without words. Love me, Love me, Love me. With a love that is neither selfish or unkind or disrespectful. That is not childish, not surface, not rude. But is kind, compassionate, attentive, lovely, romantic, respectful, Godly, and so many more adjectives I can't even describe. I want a man that is okay with silence, but is okay with my obnoxiously loud voice. I want a man that can make me smile just by looking at me. And not a polite plastic smile but a corners curling, teeth showing, eyes crinkling, face glowing sort of smile.
        So...where am I going with this?
        Well....
        I haven't met that person yet. And for a long time that seemed not okay. But when I consider it..I am only seventeen, for goodness sake! I have a world of possibilities out there!!! Tons of things I can do, I can try, I can....oh, I don't know...I just know that life is really only just beginning.
        Yes...I must remember that...life is only...just beginning.
        So.
        I hypothesize that life will get messy, joyful, heartbreaking, musical, dance-y, loveable, and down-right painful before I'm ready to meet the man that I will, someday, call my husband.
~
"Oh, let me warn you, sister in Jerusalem,
by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer:
Don't excite love, don't stir it up,
until the time is ripe--and you're ready." (Song of Songs)
~
        Ok.
        I will live and let be.
        Love will find me, I won't find love.
        Ok.

Breathing out the Gusto

Today,

We go head to head with LIFE,
~

        So as usual I was watching a movie, this time it was Larry Crowne, which isn't the most 'specta-culer' movie of all time, but it was good. Anyways, I was watching this movie and suddenly it occurred to me; I have to start moving and breathing and walking and talking and...I don't know, preparing, so then I can live. Basically, this thought popped into my mind; "I need to prepare to live!" I will not be living at my parents my whole life, I know I won't. So, I need to start getting ready now. I can't just laze around and sluff off my homework, and be mean to people and hurt the people I love.  Then it occurred to me...if I'm preparing to live....then what am I doing now? Am I in limbo...waiting for the first independent step into an apartment I call my own or to another city where I'm living and breathing and moving and talking and walking?
        No.
        Right now. Right here. I am living and breathing and moving and talking and walking and hurting and wanting and lazing and leaving and heaving and a lot of other 'ings' that would take too long to write. It's a baffling concept...that I've always struggled with...the concept of being alive...of being a character in a story. One time when I was in elementary school I was walking down the hall (it was the ramped hallway, I remember) and suddenly it hit me like a like a little double-digit old epiphany: I could have been a fox.
         Okay, so that sounds weird, but it is valid. Have you not ever slumped on your bed, or fell down the stairs or gazed up at the stars and thought, "what if I had been born a fox...a bee...a bear...a shark?" It is so amazing that we get to be human. We have brain power and we all have the ability to use it. Sometimes some of us don't. That's just a fact. I sometimes don't, because, supposedly, 'it's easier'!!
         So I say live life with GUSTO.  If you don't know what that word mean, GUSTO means to do things with hearty or keen enjoyment. So to do things with zeal...zest...brio...verve...with passion. Live a life full of passion. We've all met those types of people who seem to literally bubble over with vivacity and excitement. They genuinely delight in life. They love recklessly, and exude real kindness, and give unbelievable grace. I know one of those people...her name is Tessa. I smile every time I see her. Not only is she beautiful and musical, she is kind, caring, funny, encouraging, and understanding.
         I know that sometimes it's a little hard to bring up the gusto...to muster up the energy to greet life with a good slap and a cheeky grin. But we've got to do it, or how else will we succeed in this world of slap downs and frowns and sad faces. Yet, mustering isn't something you do on your own...you need the grace-filled King of GUSTO himself to prop you up and say "take up your mat and walk". I...don't always think He's there with me...and to be honest I've got some pretty big doubts...but I KNOW that God has never left me...when I say, 'where are you God?' He answers 'I'm right here, where are you?'
         I will run, run with GUSTO, run with JOY, run because I'm running to God. I've still got a long stretch ahead but I hold onto the one Jesus-spoken-whisper, "Come to me."
         Grab a hold of God, of Jesus, of gusto.

Divergent Inspired #2

Today,

I am wrestling and surrendering,
~

        Last night, I saw Divergent for the second time (yeah, I did)!!! But instead of invigorating and rejuvunating my "film" soul, the way it did the first time, it left me dry and...restless. An ounce of the magic had left the screen; my eye was more hawk-like than sparrow-like. This time it was more of a dissection than a relaxing evening out.
        It left me empty and a bit dissatisfied. I mean I see this young actress, who can't be but a couple years older than me, starring in numerous roles on the 'silver screen' at her young age. Then I think, "What's the point? Why bother?" Why bother plunging into the acting world when there's always going to be someone who's better, younger, better looking, and more experienced than you. Plus, I'm an obscure Canadian from a small rural-ish town who's not even sure that she likes cities...so I might as well give up now!
        Then, it occurs to me that, I should not pursue an acting 'career' just so that I'll become famous and be plastered across the bill boards. It should be to have fun, grow and present stories of a pure and moral kind.
        I am inadequate.
        I am destructable.
        I am prone to failure.
        I am done with floating life.
        I am done with living purposelessly. I am done with a directionless life.
I surrender.
I surrender.
Call me to what you want.